The Poker Tournament
by Ophelia1
Summary: This fic is really whacked up... anyway, Gildeory is back, Dumbledore hosts a poker tournament... very funny, though whacked up. Everyone is OOC... most everyone... Please R/R!


The Poker Tournament

  
  


Headmaster Albus Dumbledore looked over the Great Hall. He noticed how scuffed up the white marble floor was and made a mental note to yell at Argus Filch, the caretaker.   


"Ahem," He said trying to get the students to be quiet. The students kept talking. "That meant shut up!" He screamed then put a muting spell on them. "As I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted..."   


Draco Malfoy wanted to yell that they hadn't been talking but he opened his mouth to speak and no sound came out. He started a silent scream and began raving in his mind about how father was going to hear of this.   


"Anyway, Hogwarts is going to have it's first annual Poker Tournament!" he boomed.   


Hagrid, Snape, and McGonagall were clapping loudly, cheering, and looking very happy as were Sprout, Binns, and Lockhart, who had very unfortunately gotten his memory back. Draco rolled his eyes as did most of the Hufflepuffs. The ghosts; Cedric, Nearly Headless Nick, Peeves, The Bloody Baron, The Fat Friar, Moaning Myrtle, The Gray Lady, and other assorted ghosts looked annoyed that Dumbledore would have such nonsense. Cedric was sort of ticked because if he hadn't went and gotten himself killed he could have entered and beat everyone. The Gryffindors were quite happy and the Ravenclaws were thinking of how they could be spending that time doing homework and studying. Hermione was thinking just like them.   


Dumbledore continued- "There will be forms to sign up in your common rooms! Now to bed!" He looked as no one moved. The muting spell began wearing off and the students began talking. Dumbledore was getting annoyed. "I said get the Hell into your freaking beds! _NOW _!"   


"I think this will just be a waste of time, don't you two?" Hermione asked.   


"Go date a Ravenclaw, Hermi. This is going to be cool," Ron said.   


"You mean kewl," Harry added laughing.   


"Whatever," Hermione replied running up the stairs as The Fat Lady opened up for them to go inside.   


Dean Thomas walked up. "The love shack, a lil' love shackkkkkkkkkkkk!"   


"Shut _up_ Dean!" Seamus said as he walked into the common room behind him. "He's been getting old American radio stations."   


"So, you two going to enter the contest?" Ron asked as he noticed the long line of students waiting to sign up. They walked over and got behind Alicia Spinnet.   


"Well, duh, dude!" Dean said once he was finished singing songs from the B52s. "I was one of the best players in my school. Won five hundred forty three dollars one day. Blew it all on CDs."   


"Figures," Alicia said as she turned around. "Fred and George are singing up because they lost to Angelina and me and have to redeem themselves. I mean, even Katie is better them, and she sucks. No offense, Katie."   


"I don't _suck_, I just never played Muggle games before you, Angelina, Alex, and Isaac taught me," She snapped. Alex was Alicia's older brother and Isaac was Angelina's older brother.   


"Alex is horrid, man," Alicia replied.   


"I cannot _believe _that Gryffindor Prefects are signing up! I'd be ashamed, Alicia," Hermione said quite loudly.   


"The Head Girl is singing up," Alicia said as she jabbed a thumb at Katie.   


"I signed up, Colin! I signed up! Remember the time I won at strip poker that time? Huh Colin? Huh?" Dennis Creevy said very excitedly.   


"I remember, Dennis! Look! Harry's signing up, Dennis! We could _compete_ against _Harry Potter_!" Colin said equally excitedly.   


Harry rolled his eyes. "God, save me!"   


"What's wrong Harry?" Colin asked.   
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


_Meanwhile, in the Slytherin Common Room..._

  
  
  
  
  


"You going to sign up, Draco?" Gregory Goyle asked stupidly as he signed his name, house, and year on the near full sign-up sheet.   


"What do you think, stupid?" Draco asked.   


Goyle and Vincent Crabbe both shrugged.   


"_NO_!" Draco roared.   


"Hey Draco!" Pansy Parkinson said happily. "Are you going to sign up? I did!"   


Draco smiled and signed his name. "Yup. Just did." Goyle and Crabbe looked at each other and shrugged dumbly again.   
  


* * *

  
  
  


_Meanwhile, in the Teacher's Lounge..._

  
  
  
  
  


Lockhart was in a Puerto Rican skirt with pineapples all around. Maybe he didn't get _all_ of his mind back. "I like to be in America. Okay by me in America. Everything free in America."   


"I _really_ don't think he's playing with a full deck, do you?" McGonagall asked Snape.   


"I'll bring a TV to San Juan..." Lockhart sang.   


Snape looked at her and signed. "Me neither. But I will be at the tournament!"   


"I don't think I should have let him go to Blockbuster and go home happy. I should have never agreed to foreign films like _West Side Story_. Maybe _East Side Story_. Or _To Kill a Mockingbird_. Quite possibly the original _Psycho_. I don't think parts two, three, and four which aren't even Hitchcock," McGonagall replied, ignoring the last remark.   


"Those are all American, too," Snape pointed out.   


"Well, please excuse me, I have to go get Gilderoy his medicine and pick up the Gryffindor sign-up forms," McGonagall said as she got up.   


"We have to pick up the sign-up forms for our house?" Flitwick asked?   


"I s'pose," Snape said as he got up and walked out, followed by Sprout, Flitwick and the _West Side Story_-ish Lockhart.   
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


_The Great Hall: Next Morning..._

  
  
  
  
  


"MAMBO!" Lockhart yelled as he danced into the room. "GO MAMBO, GO MAMBO, GO!"   


The students looked at each other and shook their heads.   


"Shut your freaking mouths!" Dumbledore screamed. The first years shrieked and his under the house tables. "As I was saying, the poker tournament will be held today. The first matches will be posted on your house tables."   
  
  


Gryffindor-   
Neville Longbottom   
Alicia Spinnet   
Harry Potter   
Ginny Weasley

Winner of last match   
Angelina Johnson   
George Weasley   
Dennis Creevy

Winner of last match   
Fred Weasley   
Lee Jordan   
Katie Bell

Winner of last match   
Colin Creevy   
Nearly Headless Nick   
Ron Weasley

Ravenclaw-   
Cho Chang   
Caitlin Hill   
Roger Davies   
Mrs. Norris

Winner of last match   
Professor Flitwick   
Dobby   
Moaning Myrtle

Winner of last match   
Professor McGonagall   
Tom Riddle   
Maria (Lockhart)

Slytherin-   
Draco Malfoy   
Severus Snape   
Vincent Crabbe   
The Bloody Baron

Winner of last match   
Gregory Goyle   
Pansy Parkinson   
Blaise Zambani

Hufflepuff-   
Justin Finch-Fletchley   
Ernie MacMillion   
Hannah Abbot   
The Fat Friar

Winner of last match   
The Ghost of Cedric   
Viktor Krum   
Winky

Final Matches-   
Albus Dumbledore   
Gryffindor Winner   
Binns   
The Gray Lady

Winner of last match   
Ravenclaw Winner   
Peeves   
Slytherin Winner

Winner of last match   
Hufflepuff Winner   
Sprout   
Hagrid

Winner wins 100,000,000,000 Galleons!

  
  
  


Hermione shook her head distastefully. "I don't even think that's a number..."   


The players of the first match hurried and ate. When they were through they ran all the way to the empty classroom where there were four tables with four chairs around and in the middle a deck of cards. A big stereo was in the back of the room blaring Queen, LFO*, _West Side Story*_, B52s*, The Go-Gos, The soundtrack from _Grease*_, Britney Spears*, Christina Aguilera*, Three Doors Down*, Creed*, Kid Rock, and other assorted good and bad American, Muggle music. (*= good.)   


Dumbledore walked up to the podium. "SHUT UP!" He yelled at the excited students, teachers, cats, House Elves, ghosts and other assorted things. "Now, the people of the first match sit down and your table." He motioned to house color coded tables. "Now, to keep the people waiting entertained, we have Gilderoy Lockhart who will be singing and crap for us."   


The students moaned but got started quickly.   


At the Gryffindor table Alicia quickly dealt the card and they got started. At the Ravenclaw table they were already raising bets as Mrs. Norris put in two hundred more galleons and her bow that Filch gave her for Christmas. At the Slytherin table Snape was already yelling at Crabbe for dealing him a bad hand. At the Hufflepuff table Justin had just put in more money.   


Lockhart was dressed in a white shirt and multi-colored skirt. "I feel pretty, oh, so pretty! I feel so pretty and witty and bright! I pity every girl who isn't me tonight!" He spun around. "I committee should be organized to honor me!"   


"There already is one, stupid!" Alicia yelled.   


"Because I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!" Lockhart sang. He sang the whole song just like Natalie Wood and Carole Lawrence did. (A/N- Natalie Wood played Maria in the movie, Carole Lawrence did on Broadway.)   


"I fold," Harry said, throwing his cards down as Ginny dumped the last of her money into the large pile.   


Alicia gave them all a poker face. "Alrighty. I add to the bet." She put in twelve more Sickles. Neville felt lucky and did the same.   


"Ready?" Neville asked. He put his cards down on the table- two twos, a three, and two fours. All clubs.   


"Your cards suck, Neville," Harry said.   


Alicia put down her hand- A spade set- king, queen, jack, ten, and a nine. Ginny did the same- four eights and a seven.   


"I win!" Alicia yelled happily and proceeded to count her money.   


At the Slytherin table Snape had just raised the bets. So did Cho at the Ravenclaw table.   


"I fold," The Fat Friar said throwing his cards down.   


"Me too," Hannah said.   


"I, uh, I, uh, don't fold!" Ernie yelled.   


"Me either!" Justin yelled, throwing his cards down on the table.   


Ernie looked at them and smiled while he was counting his money.   


"What?!" Cho yelled. "A _cat_ won?" Mrs. Norris purred happily and swiped all the money into her money bag.   


Snape danced happily around the room. "I won, I won, I won!"   


"Round two!" Dumbledore screamed.   


Dennis skipped happily to the the Gryffindor table and made the first bet.   


Lockhart was now dressed in a poodle skirt and dragged Snape out into the floor in a leather jacket with _T-Birds_ printed on the back.   


"But-But-But I have to play poker!" Snape yelled.   


The music started and Snape was forced to sing. "Summer lovin' had me a blast."   


"Tell me more, tell me more," Hermione, Katie, and Pansy sang as did Draco, Harry, and Ron.   


"We made out, under the dock!" Snape sang.   


"We stayed up till ten 'o clock!" Lockhart added.   


"Shoo-bop-bop-shoo-bop-bop-shoo-bop-bop-shoo-bop-bop!" Hermione, Katie, Pansy, Draco, Harry and Ron sang.   
  


"Summer dreams, ripped at the seams, but oh, those summer nightttttttttsssssssssssssssssss!" Lockhart and Snape sang.   
  


Angelina slapped George and he got back in the game. "Shit." He whispered, looking at his cards.   


"Vhat do I do?" Viktor asked.   


"Winky thinks that Viktor needs to learn hows to speak, Winky does," Winky said.   


"I vink Vinky needs to stop talking in third party vorm!" Viktor snapped.   


"Winky thinks Viktor needs an attitude adjustment," Winky replied.   


"I think Viktor should have won the Cup," The Ghost of Cedric said.   


"_VHAT_? You vant me to be dead?" Viktor screamed.   


"I fold," Ernie said quietly as he backed away from the table.   


Dennis licked his lips. He put in the last of his money as did George. he also threw in a fake wand.   


Alicia looked at the others cards as she lade hers down. "Shit."   


Dennis jumped up on the table, making money fall everywhere. "I won! I won, Colin, I won! And it wasn't even because I was worried of losing my clothes!"   


"Now you have to play _me_," Lee Jordan said very mysteriously.   


"Dobby's be winning! Dobby's be winning!" Dobby sang.   


"Winky's be winning! Winky's be winning!" Winky sang.   


"Snapie be winning! Snapie be winning!" Snape sung.   


Winky and Dobby gave him odd looks.   


Just then the door burst open and in walked Lord Voldemort. Albus ran up to him. "Tom! How nice to see you!"   


"Nice to see you too, Albus. Where do I sit?" Voldemort asked.   


"Right over here," Albus said as he led him to a table where McGonagall, Dobby, and Lockhart were sitting.   


Cedric looked at Voldemort and gave a slight 'humph!' because Voldemort was the one who killed him. Or was it Peter Pettigrew? It was all a blur now...   


The next to last Gryffindor match Dennis won. The last match for Gryffindor Dennis won too. He was a very good player.   


"I fold," McGongall said, shaking her head.   


"I don't!" Voldemort said cheerfully, throwing down his hand.   


"But Tony'll die!" Lockhart screamed. "I fold! I fold him up and stick him in my pocket like a rocket!"   


"Dobby thinks Gilderoy is whack," Dobby said.   


"He's been watching American movies," McGonagall replied.   


"Dobby thinks Dobby be winning," Dobby said as he put down his hand.   


Voldemort examined it carefully. "Damn!"   


"Tom! Don't swear in front of the children!" Albus yelled.   


"You do it all the time!" Voldemort whined.   


"I'm special," He replied. "Final match!"   


Albus, Dennis, Professor Binns, and the Gray Lady sat down at the table. Well, Binns and the Gray Lady didn't _sit_, just sorta floated.   


Dumbledore dealt the cards. He looked at his hand and smiled, as did everyone. He has rigged the deck so he would win.   


"I raise the bet," Dennis said, putting his money in the pile.   


"Me too," Dumbledore said, putting more money in.   


"I fold," Binns and the Gray Lady said at the same time.   


Albus and Dennis sneered at each other. The kept raising the bet again and again untill there wasn't anymore money left. Dumbledore and Dennis put the cards down at the same time.   


"I win," Dumbledore said but McGonagall shook her head and pointed at Dennis's cards- all aces. Dumbledore screamed and started pulling his hair out.   


Dobby, Peeves, Dennis, and Snape dealt the next hand. Snape and Peeves both folded early and Dobby and Dennis kept raising the bets. Finally, Dobby took off his socks and put them into the pile. Everyone was watching the table because they knew when Dobby put his socks on the line, it was serious. Dobby and Dennis both put down their cards and Dennis screamed.   


"Dobby won! Dobby won!" Dobby danced happily around the room.   


Dumbledore had collected him self and announced that the final match was starting.   


Professor Sprout, Hagrid, Winky, and Dobby sat down. Professor Sprout folded as did Hagrid. Winky threw in her Butterbeer and everything she had won and Dobby had thrown in his socks and and everything _he_ had won. The put down their cards and Dumbledore gasped. Their cards were the same.   


Everyone wondered how it happened but Dumbledore made them call it a draw and split the money. They each got 50,000,000,000 Galleons.   


"That's still not a number," Hermione said.   
  


* * *

  
  


A/N: I'm curious to see which was longer, Cassie Pisone's Wonderfully Odd Adventures in Hogwartsland or this one. I wrote the first couple of paragraphs in reading class... anyway, please review as always! J And for the record, I despise The Go-Gos and Kid Rock and yes, _East Side Story_ was something like _West Side Story_ but it was a total dud and no one liked it so Mister Dudes re-wrote it and that's how we got _WSS_. Oh yeah, and I made it totally OCC but- "It's my fic and I can make them cry if I want to, die if I want to..."   
  


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or any of the HAS (Harry-Assosiated-Stuff). I also do not own Queen, LFO, _West Side Story_, B52s, The Go-Gos, _Grease_, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Three Doors Down, Creed, Kid Rock or any of their music. I also do not own _Psyhco, East Side Story, or To Kill a Mocking Bird._ I only own the plot. That's it!


End file.
